Ways you can support your child

Unfortunately, there are many children and young people across the UK struggling with school-based anxiety and other difficulties that can impact on school attendance.

Such difficulties should not be viewed as a behavioural or parenting problem. There are many different things that can trigger anxiety and attendance difficulties including bullying, academic pressure and sensory issues in the school environment.

It is common for children to pretend or hold in their distress until they get home from school - this is called "masking". This can lead to misunderstandings and differences in opinion between home and school. It is important that professionals work in partnership with parents and listen to the voices of children and young people.

What you can do if your child is struggling to go to their education setting?

Believe your child's distress is real, listen to what they say and trust your instincts as a parent

One of the most important ways you can support your child is to calmly listen to them and acknowledge that their fears are real to them. Remind them how important it is to access education and reassure them that you and the education setting will try and make it a happier place for them.

Listen to and talk with your child

Consider when and where you will talk. Think about what communication method might be easiest for your child e.g. text messaging, letters, brainstorming key words and feelings. You may find 'mapping the landscape visuals', to be a useful method of communication for your young person. Your young person can 'drag and drop' their thoughts.

Agree an appropriate time and place with your child, e.g., this could be in the time after school and before dinner if your child is attending school. For children who are not attending, agree with them the best time to talk for instance, in the middle part of the day or after they have had breakfast. Try to avoid first thing in the morning before they are fully awake or just before bed as they may be tired or it might disrupt sleep.

When you speak to your child, try to remove any distractions (such as family members, TV or electronic devices) and also set a limit on how long you speak to them for.

You may like to refer to the NHS Talking to your child about feelings web page for support in approaching this conversation.

Focus on listening

If your child has opened up to you, it is because they trust you and feel a need to share their difficulties. Let them talk and try to ask open questions that encourage a fuller response than 'yes' or 'no'.

Examples of open conversation starters:

What is going well for you at the moment?
What would you be doing differently if it wasn't for these difficulties?
What is going well in school?
If things get better, how would that look?
How are things with friends?
If you woke up tomorrow and knew it was better, what would have changed?
What do you want to change?
When things where better than they are now, what was happening then to make it better?
When did this start?
What ideas do you have about what you need to feel better at the moment?
How does it affect you?
What kind of support would help you?
What is this stopping you doing?
Are there things or people that help?

Let them know if you do not understand or need clarity

Answers can get muddled as children try to explain feelings they may not understand, asking clarifying questions shows you are listening and trying to understand.

Examples of ways of clarifying might include:

"Did I understand you when you said?"
"Did I hear you correctly when you said?"
"Let me check [...] you feel angry/ frustrated/ sad because [...]"

At the end of your conversation validate their feelings, acknowledge their strength and clarify priorities.

Examples of how to do so:

"I can see that things are difficult at the moment. However, you managed to share/ talk about a lot of things today. So, let us recap/ see where we've got to…"

Empathise and acknowledge how hard it is

It is important to let your child know that overcoming anxiety is hard, and that you are proud of their efforts. Let them know you are trying to understand their experience, are listening to what they have to say and want to help. Try not to validate their fears. The message you want to send is, "I know you're scared, and that's okay, and I'm here, and I'm going to help you get through this."

Make yourself available to talk again if needed

It can be a relief to talk, but ongoing anxiety is not solved with just one conversation. Let them know they can speak to you again. Explain that you will look at how you can help them. Never leave this kind of conversation without agreeing next steps, this will help the child to realise that you are working with them to move things forward.

It is crucial that all adults, at home and in school, work together to understand the reasons for Emotionally Based School Non Attendance (EBSNA) and find solutions together. As soon as signs are spotted parent/carers should tell the school there is a problem and request a meeting.

If you have a younger child who is experiencing anxiety with accessing a pre-school environment you may find the NHS Learning to talk resources following resource helpful to support the development of language.

Parent/carer EBSNA resource bank

The EBSNA Resource Bank, has detailed information about EBSNA, approaches to try at home and tools you can use to help your child open up about school and what they are finding difficult.

Activities outside of an education setting

You may like to look at encouraging participation in activities outside of an education setting to support social interaction and reduce isolation. Some suggestions of how to do so include:

The Local Offer Directory contains details of both one off and ongoing leisure and social activities.
Club 4 holiday activities run during the longer school holidays and offer healthy food and fun activities for eligible children aged 5 to 16. The Club 4 website also includes a number of holiday ideas for children.